Vile Little Dungbeetle

2009-11-15T23:30:00.001+08:00

Oh sod it.

Exactly 12 months to the day, as if it's been timed.

Well look how far we've come and gone. So who's up for a game of 12 months?

A Resumption of Talks

2008-11-15T21:41:00.001+08:00

So we've left but we're still here. How things change. Don't get used to it. 2 years 10 months is being realistic.

Giraffes are the gayest in the zoo

2008-05-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

The topic today is Sandwiches.

Now the word sandwich comes to us from the Sandwich Islands. When Captain James Cook pulled into the Sandwich Islands to pick up supplies, the islanders offered him pork served between 2 slices of breadfruit.

He took a supply of this back to his ship and personally prepared his crew's dinner - and that's how we get the word "to cook".

- Unbelievable truths.

Asterix, Obelix & Vital Statistix

2008-01-13T21:25:00.000+08:00

Vital definitions:

Megawatt - I don't know

Gigawatt - I really don't know

- KIPPERS: Kid in parent's pocket eroding retirement savings

Red White & Green

2007-12-23T21:34:00.000+08:00

He had a broad face and a round little belly,

That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly elf,

And on long winter nights, he would play with himself?

(And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself)

- A poetic description of Father Christmas, ISIHAC, adapted from Clement Moore

Bienvenido

2007-12-05T22:38:00.000+08:00

Since 2002, Manchester has been home to the Nothern Imperial War Museum at Salford Quays.

Last summer they presented an exhibition of camouflage techniques and were proud to report that over 2000 people a week failed to see it.

Lyttelton.

No Morals

2007-11-10T01:42:00.000+08:00

An abstruse chestnut.

Being totally flummoxed by a snowflake.

Ghastly.

2007-10-28T02:20:00.000+08:00

Chaucer. The saucy saucer.

Nintendo, Wii

2007-10-18T19:44:00.000+08:00

and viv goes: "I love my Wee..."

2007-10-14T20:39:00.000+08:00

I believe I'm being pursued by a monk. On horseback. From outerspace.

Have you heard of a labour-saving device? Like a dishwasher. Dishwashers wash tedious dishes for you thus saving you the bother of washing them yourself. Video recorders watch tedious television for you leaving you free to listen to the radio or otherwise enjoy life.

In the absence of a video recorder, I can take over the tedious business of watching your televsion. I am an electric monk. Electric monks are labour saving devices, we save you the onerous task of believing all the million tiny things that you are daily called upon to...

- Douglas Adams

2007-10-07T20:12:00.000+08:00

"Sword swallowers should not swallow swords if they have a sore throat."

- At the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony (created by the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR))

2007-09-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

To allay all suspicion,

2007-09-24T22:04:00.000+08:00

A time for us, some day there'll be
When chains are torn by courage born of a love that's free
A time when dreams so long denied can flourish
As we unveil the love we now must hide

A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile for you and me

And with our love, through tears and thorns
We will endure as we pass surely through every storm
A time for us, some day there'll be a new world
A world of shining hope for you and me

A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile for you and me

And with our love, through tears and thorns
We will endure as we pass surely through every storm
A time for us, some day there'll be a new world
A world of shining hope for you and me

Rogers and Hammerstein

2007-09-01T10:56:00.000+08:00

Hello young lovers, whoever you are,
I hope your troubles are few.
All my good wishes go with you tonight,
I've been in love like you.

Be brave, young lovers,
and follow your star,
Be brave and faithful and true,
Cling very close to each other tonight.
I've been in love like you.

I know how it feels to have wings on your heels,
And to fly down the street in a trance.
You fly down a street on the chance that you meet,
And you meet - not really by chance.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,
Don't cry because I'm alone;
All of my memories are happy tonight,
I've had a love of my own.
I've had a love of my own, like yours -
I've had a love of my own.

- Anna Leonowens

2007-08-22T20:15:00.001+08:00

Wandered off the deep end a bit.

I realise suddenly that it's almost Christmas.

2007-07-24T21:53:00.001+08:00

Gaping hole.

Fill yourself.

23 July 2007

2007-07-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

Sadness

Uncertainty

Contentment

Hope

2007-07-12T19:01:00.002+08:00

Wimbledon is the birth place of Samuel Cunard of Shipping Line fame. Cunard left school at the age of twelve but could find no work. Finding an abandoned rowing boat on the Thames of mort lake, he repaired it and began ferrying passengers across for a penny a time.

With the cash he bought more rowing boats and patched them up, until after seventeen years of tirelessly repairing and rowing fourteen hours a day, Cunard’s rich uncle died and left him a shipping line.

- Humphrey Lyttleton

2007-07-12T19:01:00.001+08:00

In 1985 Boris Becker created a record when he became the first unseeded player to win the men’s title. Becker’s last match was in 1999 when he was again unseeded, this time by a Russian model in a broom cupboard.

2007-07-05T14:28:00.000+08:00

Women really shouldn't just write men off simply as being superficial bastards. That would be unfair.

There are lots of men around who are shallow, stingy, smelly, and selfish, as well as simple and superficial.

What a lot of S -ess.

2007-06-27T10:55:00.001+08:00

Generally speaking, the people one meets in life can be broadly categorized into 4 classes. There are good looking people who don't look so good from a distance; some who appear attractive from a distance but are disappointing close-up; some others are pretty average no matter the distance. The last category is for the undead.

Yet another rather curious incident occurred the other day involving a space agency, some scientists and breathing apparatus. It seems they were going to try to find life by sticking a probe up Uranus.

2007-06-25T22:30:00.001+08:00

2007-06-21T12:15:00.001+08:00

One means two and three means four

No means yes and yes means more

Fucking meths. What maths?

2007-06-17T12:51:00.000+08:00

To see the world in a grain of sand
And heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour

- William Blake

2007-06-14T01:03:00.000+08:00

Oei Twat, I Disrespect you

2007-05-31T12:19:00.000+08:00

So here I am doing my best to disrespect you.

It's not terrible fun playing 'Simon-says' this millennia, the new one is called 'Singer-with-a-speech-impediment-said'.

So let's play that.

Singer-with-a-speech-impediment-said, or rather, tried to sing: "...when we're dancing chin to chin...". Turns out, that's a lot harder to do than dancing cheek to cheek, which also just happens to be a trifle more romantic.

2007-05-21T20:03:00.000+08:00

In life, always take the time to sniff the roses and peer at these lovely demotivators http://despair.com/viewall.html .

If someone you know wants to jump of a really tall building to meet the rush hour traffic head-on but hasn't yet quite decided, this might be the ticket.

A few of my favourites:

2007-05-19T00:59:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day, it wasn't about the food nor the entertainment. It was about being there - a last chance, a gathering, a goodbye and farewell. Now, all are starting from a common platform, a shared background.

From this stage we will launch ourselves in different directions. A fleeting moment was when our paths merged, now standing at the crossroads in the journey of life. A brief glance backward, a quick confirmation, a wave, a hug...and a promise to stay in touch.

To all who read this: leave a shoutout.

2007-05-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

The silliest questions are often posed by young children.

Here is a rather tricky question to have a go at:

"Why did my cat die?"

Well your cat didn't exactly die, it went to live with Jesus who has a small flat under the compost heap.

Jeremy Hardy

2007-05-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who has brought over a variety of caviar and a rare vodka based aperitif. She says he's going to offer her food in his hotel room and then liquer out on the balcony.

Arrivideci

2007-04-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

Sunrise, sunset.

A beautiful day, a beautiful smile.

My day is complete, this chapter of my life is closed.

Thanks for all the memories.

It is accomplished.

2007-04-21T22:32:00.001+08:00

Collin was telling us earlier that he recently performed Mozart’s Horn Concertos in A & E until he was assaulted by one of the patients. At least he was handily placed to have his trumpet surgically removed.

2007-04-14T16:19:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time
All our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing

2007-04-12T02:56:00.000+08:00

gasolina?

boriqua morena

domincano columbiano

boriqua morena

cubano mexicano

2007-04-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

Said he: "I know karate, if you attack me, I will block." followed by infidel hand gesture.

Shake your zingy zang, show 'em where you're at. And smack that all on the floor.

"I know karate, if you attack, I will run away."

2007-03-20T00:56:00.000+08:00

All right, chairs. For Millennia all we've used chairs for is sitting on. But that is simply because their shape lends itself to such a function. Originally, chairs were invented by neolithic man to keep lions at bay.

Chairs are in fact the only thing that lions are scared of, as anyone who's visited a circus knows. In many respects, chairs are the natural predators of lions. That's why you never see lions in Ikea. Of course it's not all furniture they're scared of, they love wardrobes, often at the back.

2007-03-20T00:34:00.000+08:00

Alexander Fleming is famous for discovering penicilin. It was discovered by accident.

Famous story this: Fleming was working late one night in his laboratory when he knocked over a vial of liquid all over his workbench. Next day he returned and there was mold everywhere.
Being of a scientific and inquisitive nature, he tried a bit of the mold became incredibly ill, had to go to his doctor who prescribed him penicilin. And that's how he discovered penicilin.

time

2007-03-12T01:30:00.000+08:00

2007-03-07T01:18:00.000+08:00

Vulgarity and insult in South America. In one tribe to cause a maximum offence, all you have to do is merely to suggest to your interlocuter that their momma be sooo fat, that da bitch would not be allowed on a donkey.

It's particularly offensive to these people - they have big donkeys.

2007-02-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

heels/t-top/eyes/a smile/a moment/attraction

spank her. spank her good.

2007-02-15T21:41:00.000+08:00

The 15th of February warrants a great deal more enthusiasm than The Road Less Travelled by Robert Frost.

Our thoughts and wishes are with and for all of you, now and forevermore.

I've heard that the Chinese will be celebrating Lunar New Year soon. Let's get retarded.

2007-02-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

The domain names of some websites need rethinking. For example, I came across a rather peculiar one yesterday for tours in korea: www.fnckorea.com.

Whoever came up with this either couldn't spell, or had a terrific sense of humour.

2007-02-12T01:00:00.000+08:00

This is old but what the heck:

"I may be fat, but you're ugly. And I can diet."

yo quiero taco bell

2007-02-08T23:04:00.000+08:00

It takes nearly 58 seconds for a mid-sized anopheles mosquito to fall asleep in a 50ml falcon tube. That's a fact.

It takes over 2 minutes to wake the same mosquito. That is also a fact. Just like there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing. That's a fact. It's a thing we can't deny, according to Katie Melua.

Why?

wear

2007-02-08T22:43:00.000+08:00

so I'm spending a little time taking a peek at the lives of various dysfunctional people that I have met through the years. What a freakshow. That's one example that goes dead against Darwin's theory of natural selection.

It's just like: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Witch, The Lion, and The Serious Wardrobe Malfunction."

2007-02-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

We are the result of the convergence of several dimensions. The physical parts of the human will be acquainted with 4 of them: x, y, z and time. The remaining dimensions are less obvious. The separation and/or inclusion of one or several of these other dimensions, in part or whole, is postulated to be observed as the inconvenient phenomena known as death. A commonly used analogy of the dimensions, is that of many sheets of A4 paper (about 11) dreadfully close together along their planes. It is hypothesized that a stupendously large amount of energy will be required to bulge the plane of one of these A4 papers in order to touch the plane of an adjacent sheet.

Hobbit

2007-01-31T00:38:00.000+08:00

There is a level of one-upmanship in pools. First of all there is the issue of temperature. Your pool must be warmer than anyone else's. But to win this game you end up with something that's hot enough to boil a lobster.

Then there's music. Moby must be piped into underwater speakers for reasons that I have yet to understand completely.

Let's not forget depth. A friend of mine recently installed a pool at his home on Hayling Island only to discover that it's impossible, when you're so close to the sea, to dig down more than 4 feet. He has ended up with a pool that has two shallow ends, connected in the middle with a shallow bit. You don't swim in it so much as stroll around looking like Jesus.

- loosely, TWATC, Clarkson

Education

2007-01-21T12:58:00.000+08:00

And so it begins, in all its incoherence, the morbid, fascinating spectacle that is the life and nature of man.

2007-01-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

I was horrified by the exchange between the pilots who hadn't heard which runway they were supposed to land on. "Oh just follow the bloke in front," said the captain to his young apprentice in the right-hand seat. Then we hit a flock of birds.

"Got 'em," said the captain.

- IKYGS, Clarkson

2006-12-24T01:34:00.000+08:00

Samantha is meeting a gentleman friend who she thinks is planning to buy her a spaniel. Samatha says she's not sure if he is going to get her a King Charles, or Cocker in the pet shop

Bugger

2006-12-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

Now now. Don't believe everything you read. I'm really quite an angel.

2006-12-11T02:46:00.000+08:00

English is a subtle language and there are those who don’t fully appreciate its complexity. For example, many people don’t understand the difference between the words atrophy and emaciation. Well those of us who went to public school know that emaciation is the state of being abnormally thin due to a lack of nutrition or disease; whereas atrophy is what I won for the 50 meter sack race.

-ISIHC

2006-12-09T11:19:00.000+08:00

Question: Is it just coincidence that my finger fits exactly into my nostril?

Answer: Natural selection could have played a factor if females in the Pleistocene period preferred mating with males that picked their noses. Or if males and females picked each other’s noses in a courtship ritual. If not then it probably is just a coincidence.

Yes. Yes in fact it could be one of several coincidences.

Question: What’s a good way to determine if an animal is dangerous?

Answer: Poking it with a stick is generally considered the most effective method.

There’s a monument somewhere for people who follow that advice.

-ISIHC

Haute Mongrel

2006-12-02T18:26:00.000+08:00

Randomness is all at once both imitable and inimitable.

Like how the weather's always different yet still the same.

I feel "miss".

2006-11-17T22:55:00.000+08:00

If the Book of Genesis were written slightly differently:

"In the beginning there was a cosmological expansion of space, time and matter from a gravitational singularity, that came as a bit of a surprise to God..."

-Graeme Garden

Linford

2006-11-14T10:00:00.000+08:00

Did you realise that between Santa's 12finches and a horny rhinoceros, the lyrics to Diana King's 'Shy Guy' make absolutely no sense at all?

Intriguing.

Watch your step - there could be more than one chicken in this tandoori.

Wrong Lane

2006-11-02T16:41:00.000+08:00

Who says guys have it easy. A quick glance just at the restrictions imposed on guys' names is informative of the prejudices that run deep, against the unwanted Y chromosome.

If one's surname happens to be Peacock, one's son can't be named Drew.

Richard tends to get abbreviated. Richard should not be found in a Hertz or a Rasch family.

If however, Skok is the last name...just do what you like.

Turn

2006-11-01T19:24:00.000+08:00

Time is a curious thing. It changes people, it changes things. Think of the great Roman columns, built to stand for all ages and think of the ocean crashing against rocks, then think of handphones, mosquitoes and unripe bananas. All this suddenly now makes sense when I say think of deSSert at Fullerton. Choices we may make with certainty now. But the passage of time will test those decisions. When you finally come round to realise you've let go of something incredibly precious, kiss the rain and wait for the dawn to come.

Go on, misquote me.

Dungbeetles occur on every continent except Antarctica

2006-10-28T12:24:00.000+08:00

Dung beetle - Kheper aegyptiorum

Ancient Egyptians revered the scarab (dung beetle). They credited it with keeping the earth revolving like a giant ball of dung.

Much earlier than the Egyptians, 10, 000 to 20, 000 years ago, dung beetles were revered by Shamanic cultures, often as The Creator.

Behaviour:

There are three main types of dung beetles: the rollers, the tunnellers and the dwellers that live in the dung. K. aegyptiorum is a roller - a strategy recognised as being evolutionarily the most advanced. They generally follow mammals by flying upwind towards the scent of dung. Their sense of smell is acute and their eyes are divided in half for ground vision and polarised light vision. Dung beetles are usually solitary apart from the short time they spend with their partners prior to mating.

Reproduction:

The rollers establish a pair bond. They usually meet in the dung pat. The male offers the female a giant-sized brood ball which if accepted, they roll away together, or with the female riding on the ball. During this time, other beetles often attempt to steel the ball. They find a soft place and bury the ball before mating - mostly underground. The male then leaves to find further partners. The female of this species makes a brood 'pear' or 'pears' and lays a single egg in each. She then coats the pear with an antiseptic mixture of dung, saliva and faeces to seal it in a case which hardens solid. Unusual in insects, this species exhibits the highest level of parental care seen in an insect. She stays with the ball and her grub for two months, cleaning it and removing its faeces, fungi and bacteria.

Additional notes:

Up to 16,000 dung beetles have been counted in one 1.5kg heap of elephant dung. One dung beetle can bury 250 times its own weight in a night.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/wildfacts/factfiles/498.shtml

Queens

2006-10-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

Well well. What a complete and utter waste of time and effort on my part. Misleading and lying all along. What a bitch. Thank goodness it's over, earlier.

But the whole point of this entry is to thank viv and germ (in no particular order). It's moments like these that cranky old coots with dodgy memory, like myself, will always remember.

This is for the both of you hotstuffs. Cheers.

so

2006-10-20T19:20:00.000+08:00

For all the silly and/or annoying people and their associated subspecies which we have encountered, make them cry like Sauron when he lost his contact lens. Right.

I quote: "I usally banish a white russian from his kremlin whenever I feel inclined to."

Or is that a rocket in your pocket?

pipe

2006-10-14T10:51:00.000+08:00

in the ancient world before the advent of daily newspapers or indeed written language itself, news of major events was carved on stone tablets in the form of hieroglyphs. although if there was any news not concerning a bird, a cat, a big eye, and a man in a skirt doing an impression of a teapot, the egyptians certainly never reported it.

2006-10-05T15:52:00.000+08:00

the fascinating world of the restaurant waiter. what a skilled profession that is. surely no other job requires the ability to spot two people coming into a restaurant at lunch time, sum up the situation in an instant and say:

"table for two?"

2006-09-26T12:38:00.000+08:00

while dodderingabout the lab looking for a suitable project, i discovered a novel peptide sequence, derived from an obscure strain of bacterium - the Myexroomates anasshole. it looked something like this:

i was surprised to find that this 21 amino acid peptide was unlike anyother previously identified from the M. anasshole strains, although it had one alpha helix and an obligatory linker to the adjacent parallel beta sheet. its sequence is Trp-His-Ala-Thr-Thr-His-Glu-His-Glu-Cys-Lys-Ile-Ser-Thr-His-Ile-Ser-Cys-Arg-Ala-Pro.

or in the single letter abbreviation as used for amino acids: WHAT-THE-HECK-IS-THIS-CRAP.

A little help with the homolgy search anyone?

clandestine

2006-09-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

the english language is undoubtedly a confusing one. learners are often confounded by the range of unpronounced letters, take for instance the silent k in knowledge; the silent t in listen; and a silent p in the swimming pool.

speaking of which, samanthas gentleman friend brought her swimming the other day. she was suitably impressed by his sense of humour, height and toned physique. samantha tells me he stood out in his trunks.

small note - as far as i know there are no euphimisms in this blog. so for those of you who have been asking, i have no idea what you are talking about.

category cateorgy

2006-09-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

turning green is not cool, unless youre yodayoda, the midget reptile from starwhores.

kids, this entry was brought to you today by the letters from country grammer: buck futter

brown sugar

2006-09-13T21:27:00.000+08:00

trading cards.

tipple

2006-09-02T12:25:00.000+08:00

but everybody knows that one simply cannot concentrate when there is an aggressive noodle hiding in ones right pocket.

this sort of thing must be dealt with pungently.

leaf

2006-09-02T12:09:00.000+08:00

emptiness.

nothing is.

welcom turists we spik inglis

2006-08-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

nostradamus predicted several things. among those which he didnt predict were lecturers imparting the gift of knowledge in the form of pdf documents.

he didnt, however, mention something about cable tv. but since i never believe in predictions, i trusted him on this one and kicked back a few episodes of csi.

but id stop writing if that leads you to think that study doesnt have its fun moments.

tete a tete

2006-08-20T19:19:00.000+08:00

dont be fooled. i may look french but im really a submarine by training.

say hi to your inner monkey. after all, your great great grandaddy decided to fall out of a tree one day.

board

2006-08-17T19:32:00.000+08:00

tag tradition, as requested. this confirms my long-held suspicion that some of my readers are rather masochistic: who else asks for more punishment in the form of long and silly entries? i have however heard there are people in the general population who enjoy frequent penetrating entries, long and deep.

seven things you really didnt need to know about me:

7. i love the colour pink. in fact im a tad partial to reds, blues, greens, yellows, oranges and so on too. but id hold on about purple. thats just gay. and thats why we have purple on sbs tshirts. sbs is also an acronym for sell boardside.

i just mentioned that im a tad. thanks ry for reminding me just now. those of you who know me should get it by now. or now. maybe now. how about now? well, you should sooner or later.

6. i think the process of self discovery is important. for instance, one has to discover her or his core - the central spot from which gravitas, abbreviated as g, arises. g is what legendary figures like winston churchill possess. but thats not the only use of a g-spot.

5. i like nature - i like to find out about the birds and the bees. i like to watch nature.

4. i appreciate anybody with good skills, from a prodigy escalator cleaner to a gifted pencil pusher.

3. i have a problem with people who like to exercise their authority.

2. i think a certain oscar wilde approach to life is fairly commendable - roughly put, it is alacrity in irreverence and partial insanity.

1. i am unhinged, tilted. sometimes i see the world differently from many of my friends. when i slip into occasional delusion, a state most people are in all of the time, i behave as they do to - normally. it seems everybody likes to behave normally.

some friends this fact-finding tag of seven may find its way to are: viv, germ, all angelines, joy, cheryl, stan, meng.

perky

2006-08-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

i was browsing in borders the other day when i chanced upon a highly original book title which reminded me of the importance of stringent editing, a tight budget and loose story line, and of authors with a little too much time on their hands.

it read "the da vinci goat".

cant say ive read it before.

"to lose one parent, mr worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness"
- act i; the importance of being earnest

diggory

2006-08-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

so she asked "are you guys in the marines? cos you look like emerging sea men."

"morality, like art, means drawing a line somewhere"
-oscar wilde

flag

2006-08-09T12:35:00.000+08:00

i am rather disgusted at my frequent displays of utter ineptitude. i now know how much i dont know, and of that which i do not know, there are known unkowns and as well as large swaths of unknown unknowns. there are also known knowns but it takes a real asswipe to continue this line of thinking.

but on the issue of how to get through some of the vicissitudes of life, if i were to hear a little voice inside my head telling me what to do, it would suggest that i require some form of medication to sort out the little voice in my head. however the instructions on the medication vial might instruct that i am over-reacting. so what should i do?

right now i am of the opinion too that life is too important to be taken seriously.

"if you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise theyll kill you."
- oscar wilde

2006-08-03T23:01:00.000+08:00

bugger it. for the first time in my life i dont know how it went. but for the first time in my life, i am afraid of the answer. cos i think i just screwed up without even being aware of it. i could really do with a heads up now, big fella.

my head hurts.

appendix

2006-08-01T21:55:00.000+08:00

tequila in moderate amounts is bad. but if like me, you have just consumed about 1litre of that stuff in under 45 minutes, the word bad might not be your immediate concern. this is largely because the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream at that moment is just about enough to turn your brown organ green. to really drive home the point, do it on an empty stomach and when youre thirsty. doesnt matter if there is no sunrise in your tequila because

one tequila

two tequila

three tequila

floor

Entrepreneurshit

2006-07-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

bloody hell. its coming to the end of the holidays and instead of indulging in the luxury of rotting at home, i have to endure massively long hours cooped up in a box with 43 others listening to a preaching git.

so far the best impression ive got of an entrepreneur is that he/she is probably an optimistic imbecile. why? lessons 1 to infinity go something like this: risks of failure are immeasurably high, traps and stumbling blocks are hidden every step of the way and the promise of bankruptcy is nearly absolute. to top it all off, the git cheerfully informs me that nobody wants to lend money to an entrepreneur.

therefore, they say, the most logical thing to do is to write this holy git book called a business plan to try to fool rich and bored people with a lot money into thinking they can make even more money by helping an entrepreneur. the word theyve coined is 'invest', a synonym, i believe, for words like 'pity', 'charity', and 'moron'.

and i have got to write one.

but even a terminally stupid venture will have its backer, so i am led to believe that an entrepreneur is happiest after plunging into his/her fifth consecutive year of debt, basking in the bliss of ignorance and uncertainty, and that the show is all over when, by some stroke of misfortune, that damnned thing actually starts making money.

its as if evolution skipped a rung or two and out popped this curious breed.

2 of hearts

2006-07-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

a runs good. i highly recommend it. a bloody good gallop around the neighbourhood is even better and terrific if you want to give yourself a heart attack or hernia.

i just found out that a friend of mine, well a previously close friend of mine, make that my ex... i just discovered that of all things, shes gone and got herself married.

how incredibly shocking.

and shes all but 23, i havent a clue why shes in such a rage to tie the knot.

she looks happy though, i really do hope he treats her eons better than her previous (which to be absolutely clear, wasnt me), and that they will live happily ever after, in heavy taxes and lousy pay, through long working hours, through the wrinkles and the noxious bedroom gas emissions, and in laughter or tears.

grow old with each other, may both of you love and cherish each other till the cows come home and the fiddler falls off the roof. this is for the both of you, if you ever get to read this...cheers.

rawk on

2006-07-19T15:16:00.000+08:00

there is a new super hero on the block. it is banglah boy.

able to withstand the fiery hell of a million inferno curries and evil spices, he makes superman oh so passe with his silly boyscout routine of solar-charging, even our batteries can do that.

knocking down buildings with a blowjob superman-style is so 1990s - banglah boys can knock up a building in a matter of months, even a silly looking one like the esplanade. lets see if superman can build something for a change rather than flattening stuff all the time.

so, superman can shoot heat waves from his eyes, well it will be useful if one is considering a career as a microwave oven. and why work alone like superman? banglah boys always work in groups of at least three - one to start the work while the others complete it with eye-power and sheer moral support.

and while superman is a closet romantic - just look at his pathetic day job as clark "i-dont-have-balls" kent, the uninhibited banglah boys will celebrate their love at any time of the day usually by dancing, anywhere and regardless of how odd (small coconut tree). or inappropriate (big coconut tree).

i am banglah boi (but dont tell anyone).

ding

2006-07-15T10:49:00.000+08:00

shoe

2006-07-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

uh oh dont let the rain come down.

my roofs got a hole in it and i might drown.

one pretzel

2006-07-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

a belated very happy birthday for the one and only germ!

i woke up one morning and it suddenly hit me, at an angle of about 37.16 degrees, how silly people really are.

in order to hide deep-seated insecurities, most of these curious specimens develop façades or public personas. possibly stemming from fear - a constant worry about how they are perceived by other people. a death sentence if they are thought of as 'uncool'...the very sound of that word - simply pathetic. so they feel a compulsion to act in certain, peculiar way, and in extreme cases, this sort of behaviour is emulated by other similarly mis-aligned individuals and together they perpetuate this sad class of maladjusted nincompoops. blind allegiance to certain hollywood actors for instance, and strange, alien mannerisms pop up like fungal growth on the other side of the globe.

and what a messed up place theyve made our world. and i dont mean the actors. what happened to the courage to be oneself? people with issues, they should really have sorted themselves out early on in life.

these people, how many have you met today?

halifax

2006-06-22T22:19:00.000+08:00

henry briggs was widely considered to be one of the 3 greatest mathematicians of the 17th century. the other being john napier. briggs excelled at university, became the father of modern mathematics, and went on to encourage the use of log tables - to promote his range of garden furniture.

samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. samantha says she thought about him long and hard and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday.

twee

2006-06-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

i bet you look good in that.

do unto others

2006-06-14T23:18:00.000+08:00

im terribly miffed and disappointed. some of my so-called 'friends' are pathetic.

say if a meeting has been fixed, but one is unable to attend, common courtesy suggests that that person should contact all involved to inform them. especially if they have been waiting for news from him/her for quite a while.

yet not even a hint of an apology.

absolute revulsion.

the night my cucumber came up

2006-06-13T23:22:00.000+08:00

samantha tells me she has to nip out now as shes off to meet a gardener gentleman friend. she says hes recently planted an apple orchard with a view of getting into commercial production.

samantha says that if his forcasts are correct hes going to be really big incider.

Schindler

2006-06-08T00:27:00.000+08:00

everything changes. are we to take with us only the memories. or are memories the only thing we leave behind. what are memories and what are they worth. no.

what is this illusory phase called life

none of our achievements or failures really matter
everything comes and passes, rises and falls
everything is nothing

2006-06-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

lonely hearts columns have been around since the dawn of history. archaeologists have even discovered lonely hearts messages in cave paintings. a charging bison meant that the suitor was strong willed, a running antelope indicated a young athletic type, and a hyena in flames meant a non smoker with a good sense of humour.

2006-06-07T00:00:00.000+08:00

what connects the following items?
putting garlic in your shoes, putting a frog in your mouth, eating chocolates, kissing a mouse, taking laxatives.

the answer is theyve all been suggested as cough cures.

i was dubious about the laxative cure so i tried it myself. take a strong one and youll be afraid to cough too.

look in the pot

2006-06-04T01:02:00.000+08:00

a couple go for a meal at a chinese restaurant and order the "chicken surprise". the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. he did not, so she asks him to look in the pot. he reaches for it and again the lid rises, he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over and demands an explanation.

"sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" the husband replies, "chicken surprise."

the waiter replies "so solly i bring you the peeking duck"

advice

2006-06-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

it is repulsive to have a person behaving with an 'im-too-good- for this-company" attitude. its appalling when an attractive person does it, but when an ugly and silly person does it... well. evolution is no doubt assigning such cumstains to early evolutionary cul-de-sac. too bad its not working faster than it should.

on another note, all that drama about denied chances/ unrequitted love... etc is a bloody waste of time. if you like somebody, fuck the consequences. if u dislike someone immensely, just kill them. something not going your way? kill the opposition. an event not working out as planned? fuck them all, electrocute everyone in the building and burn the event down. sabotage your friends just because you feel like it. see that car you like? smash its windows cause you probably cant afford it. cant afford diving? set the dive boat alight and get away on one of the two lifeboats and leave a hole in the other so that you can watch the fuckers drown.

yeah.

youll feel much better living on an adrenaline high.

fact

2006-06-01T01:16:00.000+08:00

gardening question:
when i was a child i remembered my grandmother stroking the weeds in her garden. why might she have done this?

answer:
to kill them.

if you wear a woolly glove over a rubber glove and dip your hand in weedkiller you can kill your plants by stroking them. and if you pull off the woolly glove with your teeth you can kill yourself too.

impudent

2006-05-28T00:54:00.000+08:00

vesilind's laws of experimentation:
1. if reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. if a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

letters

2006-05-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

long before the age of email and texting, there existed many ingenious forms of communication.

the oldest lamp was developed to flash morse code instructions between ships with the result that one foggy night in december, a british destroyer found itself taking orders from the bismarcks christmas disco lights and set off to attack the ymca.

thirsty

2006-05-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

yeah thats what im talkin about.

thats real wine appreciation for the hardcore.

http://cracked.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=378

2006-05-14T13:13:00.000+08:00

it was easy peasy it went

"halo ehverybody i am your idiot of a prime minister (wacky eyes, infidel handgesture), i am the docktor"

2006-05-14T11:21:00.000+08:00

the joke you just told isnt funny one bit,

its pointless and dull, wholly lacking in wit.

its so old and so stale its beginning to smell

and besides its the one i was going to tell.

"he laughed when they said it couldnt be done,

he smiled and said he knew it,

but he tried the thing that couldnt be done,

and found he couldnt do it."

four lines

2006-05-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

"when you first took my hand on that cold christmas eve,

you promised me broadway was waiting for me.

you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot,

happy christmas my arse, thank god its our last."

well at least it rhymes.

"so he sneaked to his portmanteau and brought out his pipes and tobacco again. there should be moderation, he felt, in all things, even in virtue; so for that night he smoked immoderately."

connection

2006-04-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

samantha tells me she spent the afternoon with the new dj archivist friend of hers down in his dusty basement where he keeps a collection of old cds and records. he managed to find an old favourite of hers so she was delighted when he pulled out a record three inches covered in dust and she was happy to pat him down and blow him off.

samantha has been taking lessons italian language lessons. this weekend she tells me that she will be going to the italian market, where she will to try her tongue on a little italian.